THE ART OF GIVING FEEDBACK

Photo by Erika Giraud on Unsplash

The only constant in my life has been feedback; sometimes, debilitating feedback. It has broken me so much that I am still picking up some scattered pieces of me. It has taken me a few years to understand that most of the feedback was useless and not about me, but the memory of the hurt is taking time to leave my cells.

The first time I received feedback was in my third grade, when I was interested in poetry recitation and my class teacher said, “Make sure you don’t spoil my name.” I was really confused as a seven-year-old, and before you, as a reader, start judging my teacher, I would like you to consider a time when you made someone’s interest about your ego, and about how you will appear to the world, instead of supporting them.

I had no precedence of having gone on stage in that school before that day, but she somehow thought it necessary to tell me how I should do, before I even tried. Luckily, that didn’t have a huge impact on me, because I did not understand it, and after that, I had several teachers who were mature enough to encourage my interests without putting themselves in the middle. And I never received any feedback from any of them, and I excelled at oration, acting, and recitations, and have no stage fright. I am also an educator.

I received feedback on my oration at home from my mother, who was quite good herself. Her feedback was based on emphasis on words and constantly encouraged me to try. Since I was interested, I learnt it, and in no time I was on my own. Then in the ninth grade, I received feedback from another teacher, who commented behind my back (I accidentally heard it), that I speak in a sing-song tune. What I felt bad about was not what she said, but that she said it behind my back, and she also said, “I don’t like how Megha speaks.”

The fact that I thought she liked me, but spoke behind my back, and didn’t like how I spoke, hurt me. By now, I had won several awards at the school and inter-school levels for oration and acting, so I wasn’t shaken, but it broke my trust. A couple of years later, the way I spoke naturally changed, and I recognized that I was much better when I didn’t have a tune while delivering dialogues.

Why do I even narrate this? It is because a lot of us do not know how to give feedback, let alone receive it. She was my teacher, and she had the power to help me understand what she was saying. She could have addressed it with me, and practiced it with me, and maybe I could have changed right then. But it is also possible that I could not have, because maybe I wasn’t ready to receive it, and then we would have been at the status quo.

Now, as an educator and a colleague, I am very aware when I am giving feedback. When I say now, I mean in 2025 literally, because there has been a learning curve. (I am definitely unable to apply this awareness in my personal zone, but I shall get into this later.) For the longest time in my life, I was imitating my teachers. The examples I quoted here are from school, but over the years I have had several teachers in college, in university, and in dance, music, Yoga, Vipassana, and Reiki.

I have had teachers who loved me and still do, but even amongst them there were some who would say, “You aren’t that good at writing poetry, you shouldn’t try”, or some who threw my classmates’ first photographs on SLR, out of the window yelling, “This is such crap”, that I was so scared to show my out-of-focus photo. And teachers who would come into the classroom and just insult everyone, saying, “You are all good-for-nothing!”

I am just stating teachers here, but I have parents, uncles, aunts, friends, who all want to “STATE THEIR TRUTH” or “SPEAK THEIR MINDS” about me because I was trying and doing something they were not. People who wouldn’t blink an eyelid to compare me with their children and be envious of who I am, and slide in comments, “Ah, that wasn’t so good, was it?”

Or my parents, who literally never waste a breath to truly and genuinely appreciate anything about me, because apparently it would get to my head if they said anything good. Of course, there were also amongst them; teachers, aunts, friends, an uncle, and adopted relatives who went over and beyond, and still do, to encourage my dance, my writing, and just me! I owe my life and my ability to pick my scattered pieces to those who built me up.

And I am not sure if this is my story alone, because having lived in this world, I haven’t met many who know “WHO THEY ARE”, to be capable of giving feedback to anyone else. But having said that, when one is in a position to make choices - e.g., Curating art or tech, teaching, mentoring, or just working together- how does one ensure that we are enabling the people depending on us to reveal the best of them to us?

I realize that what I just stated is covering a lot of roles in life, and in any of the roles, it is important to remember that NO PERSON OR EXPERIENCE PRESENTS ITSELF, UNLESS IT IS NEEDED BY THE SOUL. So, irrespective of getting into the material realm of communicating by using words, it is important to communicate with the Spirit Mind (Concept taken from Hisami and Jeffrey Allen) using Ho'oponopono, Reiki, Vipassana, Prayer, or anything else. And usually the spirit mind addresses it way better than the material mind can.

But if we need to use words, the stated scenarios could be addressed in the following ways:

1. I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING: I only know what I have experienced and perhaps if I have managed to learn from it. But even then, I might be engaging with someone who is far more accomplished and insightful than I am, and I might not have developed the capacity to evaluate what they are doing or saying or displaying. I am in that position because of some past karmas of mine, that’s all. Just because I have a position, doesn’t mean I KNOW!

So how do I give feedback?

I personally, ask a question first:

1. What are you intending to communicate?

2. Then I say what I am getting out of the exhibit (Writing, dance, painting, music etc.)

3. I am sometimes able to pinpoint and say what pattern in the exhibit communicated something to me.

4. Then I give space to the person exhibiting to ask me questions or not.

5. I do give them to think about it and revise if they would like to, else it stays as is.

6. I wouldn’t deselect a piece because they didn’t take my feedback, but would deselect it if it isn’t the most effective in keeping with the vision that I, in whatever position, am trying to communicate, knowing FULLY WELL that I might be the one falling short, and not the exhibitor.

2. I CAN SPOT A BLINDSPOT IN SOMEONE I CARE ABOUT: There are times when a colleague or a friend or a relative you care about exhibits a pattern, and you know that if they just address that, they can get what they want. How do I give this feedback? It usually starts with a question, because I can’t give something that someone is not ready to receive.

Hence:

1. I notice something that you do, which seems to me to be an obstacle in your path to receiving what you want. Are you ready to hear me out? If they say yes, then speak it, or else, keep mum until they ask, or maybe they will never ask. But that is their choice.

2. If they say yes - I still remember that, that is MY PERCEPTION, not the truth, so if it resonates with them, they can receive it however they want to.

3. And if that were me, I would try to address my blindspot in A, B or C ways.

That’s it. And there can be no attachment to what they want to do about it, or any judgment about it.

3. I AM TRAINING SOMEONE IN A TECHNIQUE: (E.g., Dance, Writing, Code, Management, etc.) The problem usually here is respecting the human with you, and still teaching them something. Teaching someone always topples the equation, hence it is really important for the person in the trainer position to remember to engage with respect.

An example in yoga, let’s take Adhomukhashwanasana: The final requirement of the pose is a spinal stretch with elevated sit bones (or Ischia). But to achieve it, one needs arm and leg strength. There are trainers who will ask the trainees to do this pose and say, “No, no, not that way”, without ever assessing if the trainee has the arm for feet strength or without ever preparing their body for holding the pose.

This requires the trainer to have such intricate knowledge of the body, such that when they spot a person in the pose, they are able to recognize the weaknesses and the strengths, and enable the trainee with exercises to build that strength. Again, having done the job of assessing and communicating, there can be NO ATTACHMENT to how the trainee receives it. Sometimes repetition becomes key in enabling the mind of the trainee to receive feedback.

But we start with questions:

1. Where are you feeling pain or pressure in your body when you hold the pose?

2. How do you feel in it; do you want to release it immediately?

This allows the trainee to analyze their own posture and helps them get into a receiving mindset. When they respond with I feel pain or pressure in such and such place etc., it can help clarify my assessment as a trainer. Sometimes the trainee has no idea, because they have never looked at the body that way, so then the trainer can convey their assessment, ask the trainee to practice it for a week or so, and let them know if anything changes.

This is literally the way to give feedback in any scope that needs technique, of course, with a little modification in the context of the field.

4. I WANT TO GIVE PERSONALITY-BASED FEEDBACK: Someone said something or did something that isn’t in sync with you or the organizational direction. How do I give this feedback?

It still starts with questions:

1. I saw that you wrote/said/did this. I am not sure I understand the context fully. Could you explain the reason for doing it the way you did it?

2. Considering the worst-case scenario, the person says, “I have always done it that way, and hence I did it.” OR “I think that is the right way to do things.” Then I say WITHOUT JUDGMENT (because I don’t know that person’s experiences which have led them to believe that, that is the RIGHT way), “Okay. Would you be open to considering another way of doing things, and present that way?

3. Also, present the pros and cons of the person’s “RIGHT” way, and the pros and cons of the new way.

4. Give them a set time like a few weeks or a month or two to experiment with it and come back to you.

5. Then, assess if the person is the right fit for the organization or the team.

6. Sometimes, we are not in a position to decide who we work with, and we might encounter some unhealed egos who present themselves in direct opposition to us. At that point, it is best to resort to healing oneself. Either practice “Ho'oponopono” or go to a Reiki healer, pray, or meditate. The karmic energies between that person and me might be so strong that it is beyond the material mind to heal us.

5. I WANT TO GIVE FEEDBACK IN A RELATIONSHIP: This one is really tricky, and I haven’t figured out a way to engage with it with my material mind, because the unhealed ego is too intense in these scenarios to speak with compassion. I would just leave it at the healing step and try not to let the unhealed ego get into the mode of “fixing” things, which it itches to do.

Finally, I would like to state that most feedback comes from unhealed egos, from people who want to fix you and fix things. So most people will not be following the methods described in this article. But now that some of us have had a chance to read this, let us heal ourselves so much that we don’t NEED TO GIVE FEEDBACK and are able to GIVE LOVE to whoever or WHATEVER presents themselves or itself.

But then, how do we receive feedback from our unhealed selves and egos? (Coming soon! 🙂)

Disclaimer: This article only deals with “Criticism” as feedback. I, as the author, would like to note that people have made careers out of becoming critics of sports, arts, tech, etc. So in the world of material mind, such professions exist. And in popular parlance, the way to do it is to appreciate first and then criticize, the sweet-bitter-pill, or whatever it is called.

I remember the author Beatrice Culleton saying about their critic that her critics saw the writing as feminist, but she never intended her work to be read that way. Therein lies my personal opinion of the role of the critic, they see things not intended, hence most of the time it is the result of the unhealed ego going bonkers. And by writing this, I realize that I have dissed a profession! But kudos to those who make a living off it. Hopefully, the profession will die when we step into healing.

Secondly, our mind-body also gives feedback through pain, pleasure, moods, emotions, etc. It goes through phases and tries to communicate to us. That is feedback one must pay heed to, but to recognize that feedback and act from the healed ego, we again need to HEAL. And I don’t mean that we are broken, we just have memories, and like I said earlier, it takes some really deep breaths to gather one’s scattered self!

Love! Metta!

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